A Mother’s Heart
This is from a journal entry that I wrote after my mother passed away in March of 1993. As I look back, it seems I did alot of writing to deal with the pain I had been feeling at that time. It was very therapeutic. This was the first Mother’s Day after she had passed away and it was hard not going to see her at her house, but instead I had to take a trip to the cemetery. This is how I remember this day…
Mother’s Day 1993
This morning John,Patrick (2),Caitlin(7 mos) and I, decided we’d visit the cemetery where you live now. We bought pretty mums for you, yellow like the sun. They were bright and reminded me of you.
It was strange, not picking out a card for you. I wanted to so badly. It was so sad. I thought of you often today. Memories of your smile and your voice went through my mind.
We packed the kids in the van and started off.
I felt strange and I didn’t know what to expect…to see your name on a marker today, instead of your smiling face. This was going to be very difficult for me, and I knew it.
On the way, we passed by the exit we would have taken to go to your house. I would have much preferred the house, but we just sped on.
After about 25 minutes, we pulled into the cemetery grounds. Although the ride was quiet, it was also nice as it was a beautiful, sunny day.
We went off to the left and went up a small hill…and there it was…your new home. It was open and trees were set back behind you. There was no grass as it was a brand new plot, with the bare earth freshly smoothed over. John got out to look among the many markers on the just-cleared earth.
We left the kids in the car at first, and I walked alone to your marker…right in the middle of the clearing, next to a woman named “MacNamara”. I joked to John that this woman was Irish, also, and that you were probably talking her head off!
It was so beautiful and peaceful with the sun beating down. The warm breeze and birds singing. It was so nice, and I swear I felt your presence there. It was also strange to see the first new spikes of grass shooting up amongst the dry dirt. It was actually too hard to imagine it all grassy. Someday, it will be.
John brought Patrick out of the car while I spoke to you privately. Patrick quickly came running over and said, “Hi Gramma! I love you!” I’m sure you smiled. Then after Patrick walked off with John, something told me to get Caitlin.. I knew you would’ve liked to have seen her. I brought her over and I could almost imagine you saying,”Wow, how big she’s gotten!”
She looks so much like you, Ma. It gives me hope and something to go on.
John tied the pretty mums to your marker. It looked so pretty amongst all those bare markers. It looked as if you had life now. The only sunny spot on the hill…my mom!
I said what I had to and said we’d be back. “Say hello to everyone up there for me. Guide me in all I do. I love you!”
Then we packed everyone up and slowly left for home. It was an extremely quiet trip back to say the least, but I felt good inside that I had done what I did. It was a Mother’s Day I will remember forever.
I miss you.
I love you.
Happy Mother’s Day!<3
My mom in healthier, happier days with her usual welcoming smile.