Okay, I found another one. This is another entry I found in my journal from my days when my children were just little (1990’s).
I guess I was going through a tough time when I wrote this. When I read it, I remember the feeling all too well. I guess I still feel like this on occasion.
This is titled “Who Am I”:
Who am I?
I think I’ve forgotten.
Too much to think about. Too much to do.
I wish I could find myself again.
What was I like??? Was I fun??? Did I have a sense of humor???
I can’t remember.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m yelling all the time,now.
I don’t have many quiet moments anymore.
I think I’ve lost me. Have I?
Am I the girl who loved horseback riding, folk music, the ballet, perhaps?
Is this the girl who long ago, stood in a large, open field and loved the feeling of space all around her?
How small I seemed to be.
Look at the sky, the clouds, the sun going in and out of places.
Even when I was out there by myself, I never really felt alone.
I loved the smell of sweet, damp earth in the morning and burning leaves in the fall. This was me.
Loving nature. Seeing it. Experiencing it. Taking a mental picture of it , so the memory could be recalled whenever I wished.
Am I still here?
I feel I’m sitting in the back somewhere…waiting my turn to come out…again.
Will I be too old then? It’s too busy now.
I go by the clock and 3 children.
There are doctors and dentists and haircuts. Dinners and lunches to prepare, cleaning, laundry and dishes.
Baths to give. Stories to read. Diapers and crying.
There is also laughter.
I used to like to laugh, didn’t I?
And now, when there’s a rainbow, a beautiful sunset, a quiet snowstorm, or even a still,hazy morning, I grab my children and “share” it with them.
Do they see what I see? Hear what I hear? Feel what I feel?
This is what I’m all about.
This is what I love. Will they?
So, I suppose I do come out now and then… only in different ways.
I just “share” myself more now.
So, I guess I’m really not lost…
after all. 🙂