I just don’t feel the same about Christmas like I used to. I don’t know what it is.
Yes, I am 50, but I have always been a kid at heart. I still feel like a child all over again at Christmas…usually. I have my tree up, my lights and greenery with my treasured carolers on my mantle, my miniature village with it’s fluff snow on my tabletop, but still, something is missing. So I play my Christmas cds, I put my candles in the fireplace and spray the air with every Christmas scent I can find…but still I don’t feel it. Not like I used to. Not in my heart.
I keep buying various little Christmas trinkets and figures and candles, hoping maybe one more item will do the trick. But it doesn’t. I even give to the Salvation Army lady with the bell at the local store. Nothing!
I long so much for the Christmases from my past. Coming home from school, knowing vacation was around the corner, which seemed to last for forever. The days seemed colder and snowier, but we never complained. The more snow before Christmas the better. Christmas cards covered my front door and even spilled over to my archway. Carolers would stroll the neighborhoods and people smiled! There were only a few stores around then that you could actually shop at, and so, they were extremely crowded, but it was exciting. My mom would put everything on Lay- away. No charge! We also had the huge freshly, cut tree with the large lights. It was so beautiful, I would just stare at it for hours.
My father would deliver dry cleaning and would get the biggest tips at Christmas. He would show us his pile of Christmas cards from his customers, and we would open them one by one at the kitchen table after dinner and count the tips. I swore we were rich then! He’d also get bottles of wine and christmas cookies or bread. Christmas was in the air. People were friendlier. And we couldn’t wait until the annual Charlie Brown Christmas and the Grinch shows came on…then you knew it was definitely Christmas!
Even though we didn’t have alot of money, we had tons of presents under that tree. I loved the christmas pajamas and slippers! I couldn’t wait to put them on at night, so soft and warm. AAAHHHH.
I don’t know. I try and make it the best I can for the kids. I just can’t put my finger on it. I guess part of it is fear. Fear of what is going on in the world today. I just can’t put myself at ease anymore. I feel like I’m always on guard and waiting for something to happen. I think part of it is the terrorism around the world I think about and how everyone just seems so stressed today. The money problems and debt. Foreclosures and homelessness.
Another thing that really bothers me is that everyone has a phone and it follows them everywhere. I hate it! No one even looks around anymore. They all look down and stare blankly at these glowing screens like they are hypnotized with the light reflecting off their faces. As they go by they are talking, and you turn to respond, because you think they are talking to you. Talk about feeling stupid! And If they are not texting, they are playing games or reading e-mails. It’s all about the phone. Like the 60′s, I would like a phone to just be mounted on my kitchen wall…and keep it there!
Also, today everything is on a charge card and most of it is used for electronics at Christmas. Massive flat screen tv’s, standing in mega lines to get the latest fad for our children. That’s not me and it will never be.
As for me, I just want to curl up on my couch in my fluffy robe, turn off all the lights, put my Nat King Cole cd on and stare at my tree, think back and remember. Remember when it was good. I ‘m trying , I’m really trying.
Come on, Christmas. I know you are there. Help us find you again. 
